When I was prescribed antidepressants at 16, I honestly thought they would make me happy. 

No one told me they would cure me. Yet, in my head, I took the ‘anti’ part to mean these drugs would be able to rocket me out of the state I was in – which was very depressed. 

I’m sure my family doctor explained what Citalopram – the brand of medication I was put on – would actually do, but at that moment I didn’t really care. 

My mum had brought me to our GP’s after my OCD and mood had got worse over the previous months and I just wanted to be rid of the constant intrusive upsetting thoughts and the compulsion to wash my hands that I had been plagued with since childhood. 

I was bound to be disappointed. While there is absolutely no doubt that antidepressants kept me functioning – I still went to school, passed exams, got a degree, maintained a social life – they did not mark the end of my mental health woes. 

I feel like I must say now: if your doctor offers you antidepressants because you are suffering with your mental health, don’t let this dissuade you. If I ever end up in the same position I was then, where I felt unbearably low, I would start taking them again in an instant.

I would also like to say that my experience of these drugs is not going to be universal. 

More than six million people were prescribed antidepressants in the three months leading up to September last year, and I’m sure there are many people who have felt like their old selves from being on this medicine. 

So if you have any concerns at all, please speak to your doctor. The whole point of this article is to encourage you to ask questions and feel more informed about your health (as that is not what I did). 

Even though antidepressants – also known as SSRIs – did not ‘cure’ me, they made getting through my issues a lot more achievable. 

Because – and if I had listened to my doctor I would have found this out – they make everything less severe. Taking antidepressants is akin to sanding down the sharp edges of life. 

Sure, I still had regular panic attacks and days that I couldn’t get out of bed – but the despair I felt wasn’t as intense. 

And when you feel like even getting dressed in the morning is difficult, something that makes that mountain into a hill is a miracle. 

But there are some aspects of antidepressants I wish I had known about. Maybe I was told about them, but I doubt I was listening. 

SSRIs can have side effects including nausea, sleepiness, weakness, dizziness, anxiousness (which is ironic), sexual problems, sweating and weight gain. 

Also, these pills take their sweet time to kick in: usually about one to two weeks of not missing a dose. 

The thing is, I didn’t mind the side effects. I could cope with the sleepiness, the sweating (I only wore black), and the weight gain. 

What I did not like was that I no longer felt like myself. Looking back, those six years that I was on antidepressants just feel so foggy. 

Coupled with the copious amounts of Lambrini I was drinking as a fresher, my behaviour became erratic: I cried with happiness when a delivery driver dropped off a takeaway at my house and I cut friends out of my life ruthlessly after any perceived slight. 

You know when you try and get to sleep and your brain is flooded with memories of all those times you were a tit? That’s how I feel every time I reflect on my behaviour between ages 16-22. 

I fully take responsibility for the fact I should have known not to mix alcohol and SSRIs – I’d heard that you shouldn’t – but I really wish that my university doctors had explained why they don’t recommend combining the two (it’s because they can make your depression and anxiety worse and it can impact your judgement). 

But instead, I felt like my antidepressants were not working. Although I started off on a 20mg dose, by the time I was 20, GPs had increased it to 60mg. 

What I really needed was to couple my medication with therapy. I honestly believe if you have been prescribed antidepressants, therapy should be mandatory alongside it (on the NHS for those who need it). 

I am privileged enough for my mum to be a big advocate of therapy and also to have been able to pay for me to get private sessions. Still, another thing I wish I knew, is that you won’t gel with everyone you speak to. 

Before university I had been able to see three therapists: one who wouldn’t turn the light on in the room so I was having to disclose my sadness in the dark, another that didn’t want to press me for information so we just chatted about films, and one man – through the NHS – who was nice but we were limited to six sessions. 

Still, it is only when I went away to study that I noticed the impact a lack of conversational therapy had on my mental health progress. Antidepressants can only do so much if they’re the sole way you’re working through your problems. 

When I finally got that service back in my life – firstly through a student support officer named David (an absolute hero) in my final year, and then through another private therapist called Monika (a Swedish power-posing icon) – I felt in a place where I could come off antidepressants. 

This time, I listened.

Bit by bit I lowered my dosage, tapering off under doctor’s orders. I can thankfully say that I have been off SSRIs for over five years and I feel like myself again. 

What I do know for certain is that, if there ever comes a time where I need medical assistance for my mental health again, I will ask questions, seek support and actively listen to what I’m told.

Metro.co.uk MHAW Takeover

This year, to mark Mental Health Awareness Week, Metro.co.uk has invited eight well-known mental health advocates to take over our site.

With a brilliant team that includes Alex Beresford, Russell Kane, Frankie Bridge, Anton Ferdinand, Sam Thompson, Scarlett Moffatt, Katie Piper and Joe Tracini, each of our guest editors have worked closely with us to share their own stories, and also educate, support and engage with our readers.

If you need help or advice for any mental health matter, here are just some of the organisations that were vital in helping us put together our MHAW Takeover:

• Mental Health Foundation

• Rethink Mental Illness

• Samaritans

• Mind

To contact any of the charities mentioned in the Metro.co.uk MHAW Takeover click here

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