Running can bring a sense of equilibrium to your life. Yes, it’s often punishing. Yes, it takes monumental willpower to pull your trainers on when it’s freezing cold and wet outside, but, by being able to run long distances, you can effectively turn yourself into an emotional iron, smoothing out all manner of mental kinks as you pad along the ground. You take your heart for a ride when you run, and it rewards you with fantastic highs.

There is, however, a flipside to the joy running can bring, in the shape of all the gross things you never really think about until you spend a lot of time doing it. Here are just a handful of them – feel free to (over)share yours below.

Snot

A very thin, very wet kind always seems to manifest from your nostrils within a few seconds of running in the cold. The blood vessels in the nose dilate in cold weather to increase blood supply, meaning you will produce greater amounts of mucus – and feel like there’s a tiny snot lord inside your face who keeps running a tap. When you’re running, breathing is something you need to think about, and having to violently sniff every few seconds is far from ideal. My dad, a lifelong runner, taught me the best way to get around this. You force one nostril down with your finger and forcefully expel the contents of the other on to the ground with one blow. Repeat with the other nostril. If you’re out running in a park on a cold morning, chances are you’ll hear other runners doing it everywhere, like a curious birdsong.

Nipples

Wahey! No. This is deadly serious. Some people are lucky, blessed with super-resilient nipples made of armadillo skin. For the rest of us, running longer distances can bring a world of areolal pain. The relentless friction of fabric against the skin is to blame – a quick Google of “jogger’s nipple” will give you a nice overview. I’ve seen men in races with symmetrical blood patches on their vests. You’d think that, as a woman, wearing a sports bra that’s more straitjacket than it is underwear, you’d be able to avoid this kind of distress. Nope. In colder months I can be in agony after a few miles, even with all the proper gear on. The only real salve – quite literally – for this is another tip from my dear old dad: Vaseline. Plasters are OK, but they will fall off eventually. Oh how I’d laugh, spying on the sorry sod smearing big blobs of the stuff on his nipples before a run. But how I weep now when I forget to do it. Privately, of course.

Chafing

Jogger’s nipple takes us into the wider arena of pain running can bring. Unless you’re blessed with a super-lean lean, gazelle-like physique, chances are some part of your body will rub against another part when you run for a long stretch of time. The repetitive motion of it sees to that nicely. The inner thighs are particularly prone, particularly if you’re in shorts, and again, Vaseline is your best friend. I wouldn’t think about doing my Sunday 10k on a hot day without a slick of the stuff in that danger zone. Call me a pervert, see if I care. Vaseline is also good smeared over and between the toes for long distances to stop them rubbing all over each other and – brace yourselves, now we’re really getting sexy – all over the feet as a preventative measure against blisters. It works.

Athlete’s foot

Not all runners get this, but exercise makes your feet warmer and more moist than usual, which provides an ideal environment for fungi to grow (phwoargh) and basically give you the feet of an elderly dragon. Tight-fitting trainers can also help things along, which makes runners particularly prone. Help prevent it by drying trainers out properly after a run – on the radiator is ideal. While that might be akin to forcing a wedge of Vieux Boulogne into a Glade PlugIn, sometimes we have to make these sacrifices. In the summer, just leave them outside. A dry shoe = happy feet.

Peeing

While hardly gross, having an overwhelming need to pee (as I do, frequently) when you’re out on a run, depending on where you are, can be tricky. If you’re in the middle of a forest or on a deserted country track, great. A quick look around to check no one’s watching and job’s a good’un in a few seconds. Being a man has its obvious advantages. A male runner friend once told me, and I quote verbatim, that he “can quickly whip it out under my shorts and do it as I’m going”. My kingdom for such unfettered freedom. As a woman, it’s just a matter of getting it done as quickly and efficiently as possible. Wearing shorts helps. You have to do it – it’s just painful and concentration-sapping otherwise – and you have to be bold. A good friend of mine, also a runner, was shocked when I first told her I often dart into the bushes on Hackney Marshes for a quick wazz. Now she does it all the time. Little does she know I’ve also done it in near-plain sight on the beach, on railway footbridges and, most recently, behind a pile of horse manure about 10ft away from where people were horse riding. In the face of an uncomfortable bladder, I am defiant.

Over to you – share your tales of embarrassing ailments, wince-inducing woes and comedy running injuries. We’re all in it together here on the running blog.

• This article was amended on 12 February 2013 to remove a discriminatory term.

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